Since I started my journey, I have been asked many times by both friends and people that I have met whilst bumbering around, if I was lonely travelling on my own. My answer is no – but it started me thinking about the concept of being lonelyand why I was able to answer with honesty that I am not lonely even though I am quite alone.
People often assume that if you are a single person then you must be lonely and I admit quite openly that there have been many times in my younger life where I have felt lonely.
I have been pretty much single since my late 20s – My 30s are littered with failed relationships, mainly short term ones which I stumbled into because I felt lonely…but being in the relationship didn’t change the way I felt inside.
It was in my late 30’s that I started to realise that having a relationship with a significant other is not the answer to not being lonely.
I began observing the people around me at work and play and over time started to recognise behavioural patterns that indicated loneliness.
Indeed I began to really examine my own behaviour and at times would be really angry with myself…
Why? Because I seemed to continue on the same pathway endlessly looking to alleviate the anxiety of loneliness by entering into relationships that were never going to work, and then have to go through the stressful process of extricating myself from the relationship.
I realised that…
- some people in permanent relationships were lonely
- some people would race headlong from one relationship to the next always looking for personal fulfilment in the relationship
- some people would keep insanely busy thinking that busyness was the antidote for loneliness
- some single people didn’t seem lonely at all
I also realised that there was an expectation put upon people who were single to not be single.
- Well-meaning friends would try and find you a partner – you know the ‘come to dinner – we have a single male/female friend who would be perfect for you…..
- Comments to encourage you to go out and find one for yourself “you won’t find yourself a man/woman if you stay home all the time” ….”Come on its time to get back on the horse” and so on and on and on!
- Speed dating nights organised at the local RSL or pub
- Self-help books to find that perfect partner published by the hundreds
- The plethora of websites and apps to help all lonely people find their perfect other half.
So what made one person lonely even in a relationship and another person who was single not lonely? I started to really think about this aspect of human life. I did a lot of reading, topics including anthropology, philosophy, psychology and sociology. It took a long time, in fact another 20 years, but eventually I think I found the antidote to loneliness and yes it is in a personal relationship!
What?!? I can hear you say in absolute astonishment – it took me all those years to discover that society is right and we should all be in a relationship to not be lonely and therefore be truly happy? Yes but No!!! or as they say in Thailand… “same same but different”
The answer is not in the relationship with another person – the answer is in the relationship that you have with yourself! This of course is a completely different journey and one that most of us don’t really want to start and definitely don’t want to complete because it is a journey into yourself. For literary types read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad.
To truly know yourself you have to be honest with yourself and understand both the positive and negative aspects of your personality and behaviour. Most of us have a fairly shallow understanding of self – none of us are anywhere near perfect…and embracing the negative of self is very confronting. It is not necessary to flagellate several times a day or to wear a hair shirt to cleanse yourself of your sins – in fact that will only scar your back – not cleanse your soul!
It is also not necessary to hang out your dirty washing for everyone to see and it is not necessary to apologise to everyone for the bad things that you might have thought, said or even done to them. No, what is important is for you to embrace your actions and behaviour and accept your flaws personally; this then begins the journey of self-awareness and gradual enlightenment about how you as an individual actually interacts with your world.
Over time, as you embrace yourself, and understand your behaviour, you can make behavioural changes -but let’s face it, you can’t actually change your personality and quite frankly I don’t want to…All of this leads to an honest and open relationship, which we all want, but the relationship is with yourself!
Once you embrace the relationship with yourself you realise that you are not lonely at all – even when you are completely alone travelling the world.
Happy Bumbering!
